Personal Faith Stories

When I was 26 years old, I suffered a miscarriage.

I was 8 ½ weeks along, expecting my second child. We were so excited when we found out just a month before, and had already begun joyfully anticipating the baby’s arrival. When I had some complications, my doctor called me in for an ultrasound. The sonogram revealed that our baby, at just 2½ centimeters long, did not have a heartbeat.

I was covered with terrible sorrow. My faith told me that God was in control, but I still felt unbelievable sadness.  My husband and I knew a tiny hole (a 2½ centimeter hole) was opened that could never be filled.  I wasn’t sure how to respond.

I had always been impressed with Job’s reaction to the news none of us ever hopes to hear. Upon first being told that he had lost his property, his livelihood, and even his family, Job didn’t get angry; he didn’t feel sorry for himself; he didn’t lash out or bury his pain. He began to mourn and to worship God.

Here are his words:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
       and naked I will depart.
       The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
       may the name of the LORD be praised."

--Job 1:20

I think Job understood something that is easy to miss: he realized that God was the same God both before and after losing everything… that his circumstances, good or bad, didn’t change God’s nature.  What faith!  As I attempted to process all the things I was feeling, Job reminded me that God is always good. And He loves us even more than we loved our tiny child.

Because of this knowledge, I knew it was important for me not to carry my pain alone. I found two ways to cope. The first was to open my broken heart to God - I knew He didn’t fear to walk through grief with me. As I poured out my sorrow to Him, I found a rich place of comfort. My husband and I felt a great loss, but I know He felt it with us. I truly knew that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18).

I also decided that I would find the strength to share my grief with the people around me.  A lot of healing came from letting others help me. I found that when I had the courage to be vulnerable, I was not taking advantage of the community, but I was helping to create the community.

I walked through some very dark moments and days, feeling a deep sorrow that I would never hold my baby. But I was able to grieve as one who has hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13).  I knew my child was welcomed into God’s arms. I had hope that I would have another child. I was filled with a new gratitude for the blessings all around me. And I was reminded that, in a sense, our children, our other loved ones, our jobs, our heath, and our possessions are never really ours - they are His. God has blessed us with them for a brief moment in time, and while we have them, we must use each of those blessings to honor God.

I still don’t understand why it happened. And I still feel very sad at times. But I know I can trust Him.

Bicky Tolar

Abilene, Texas