I am a Marriage and Family Therapist and
a Licensed Professional Counselor who sees many clients who have been involved
in an affair. Many of these clients are Christians who never intended to get
into this situation. In fact, they are shocked themselves that this could
happen. So, what does happen? All situations are not the same, of course, but
there are some patterns that I think we should be aware of.
First of all, there is generally a
distancing from God. Reading the Bible stops (if it ever existed). Praying
becomes less or very surface. Missing church is common. Hanging out with single
friends replaces friendships with married couples. Spending time with the
children, friends, work, sports, etc., leaves no time to focus on being with
the spouse. Conversation becomes routine and mundane or negative and critical.
One focuses on what one does NOT like about the spouse, instead of the
positives. Some myths come into play as well. Here are a few examples.
1. “My kids are resilient, it won’t hurt
them.” (Children may carry the scars for years and often repeat the behavior.)
2. “We are just friends.” (If the person
pulls your emotional investment away from your spouse, he/she is NOT a friend.)
3. “What he/she doesn’t know won’t hurt
them, secrets remain secrets.” (It will be found out and it will hurt others.)
4. “I’m only ……texting, chatting on the
internet, calling him/her.” (Affairs generally begin with frequent conversation
that brings one emotionally closer to the “friend” than to the spouse.)
5. “I just want to start over with a clean
slate.” (If children are involved, this is impossible.)
6. “I can make wise choices when I am
drinking.” (People frequently do things they would never do if they weren’t
under the influence of alcohol.)
7. “My situation is not like other
people’s situations.” (Adultery is not unique, it is WRONG.)
8. “Even though he/she cheated on
________they won’t cheat on me.” (Don’t count on it.)
9. “With this person, I leave my
problems behind.” (No. You get a new set of problems.)
10. “I know this is wrong, but it makes
me happy, and God wants me to be happy.” (No, God wants me to be HOLY, which
will bring me JOY. Doing wrong does not bring lasting happiness. God desires
OBEDIENCE!)
11. “If I could just find the right
person, I’d be happy.” (Being the right person is more important.) Spend time
with your spouse! Find things that you enjoy doing together, and appreciate the
qualities you each bring to the marriage. Focus on pleasing God!
Susan Green
Abilene, Texas
Abilene, Texas
