People ask me if I’m happy and I never know how to respond. So many things have been stripped away from me the past 10 years and the scars are deep and painful. Am I happy? Not really.
I was sharing some things about my life with four friends recently. Each person shared something with me that was different than the other but having spent time thinking about what they said and weaving it together, I am trusting their words came from God for me to weave together and hear his voice.
The first reminded me that God’s ways are unexplainable, unimaginable and often seem illogical. The next told me he didn’t want to offer encouragement but revelation. Revelation. Who doesn’t need some revelation. While talking to the third, I told him I was at an emotional low point and only had God to trust. I thought it was weakness revealed that I was suggesting I only trusted God while at an emotional low. My friend said, “don’t you think God is rejoicing that you only trust him? Don’t you think he is thrilled to hear you say you know he is all that is left to hang on to?” He spun my negative into a positive. The fourth told me about leading a Bible study on the life of Moses. He said one Sunday morning while reviewing his notes the thought hit him that Moses love STUNK (not the exact word he used) by our standards. Moses never had a home but God used him for incredible things. It works that way with other great heroes of faith.
As I took all this in over a couple of weeks, I realized that my life has been much harder, much more painful since 2006 when I started to pray for God to reveal himself to me, to strip away the things that I put between us and to show me his will for me. Wow, be careful what you pray for.
I don’t think God caused some of the painful events to happen but I think hope he is working in them. I’m in a position where I have little of what has always been important to me. Family, comfort, job, financial security. All gone or, at least, separated from me. Sadly, I think I have put all those things in the position of idols in my life. I wanted to love God but I wanted to love some of those other things more. I clung to my role as husband, father, coach, CFO as my identity. I listened to what others told me I should do and how I should do it instead of asking God what he wanted me doing and where he wanted me to go.
I believe God is doing things in me that I can’t explain and certainly don’t understand. I believe he is revealing some of his will for me. I think my faith, while seemingly weak to one who wants to know their own strength, is stronger than ever before. Certainly it is more real than ever before. Finally, I think God has shown me how he can take the worst, most painful situations I can imagine and refine me through them.
I have to be honest here. There are days where I feel like life is unraveling and I am falling apart. There are days where I think I might break and my faith will disappear. There are days I scream out at God because I think he has forgotten me. All the while, I believe if God is the God I want to believe in, he can handle it because he knows my weakness and wants to walk with me through it and into something better. Oh, how I want to see something better.
A journey with God isn’t always a path of roses. Mine certainly hasn’t been one of those. Yet, I have seen God do incredible things in others through what appeared to be total chaos and destruction. I am trusting he is doing that with me also. I pray if you are on a journey with God that is testing you, that you keep clinging to his hand and remember that deep scars and scars with lasting stories. Job had scars. David had scars. Paul had scars. Jesus had scars. Why should we be different?
Grace and peace.
I will exalt you, O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me. O LORD, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit. Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name. - Psalms 30:1-4
Jeff Jones
Decatur, Texas
