Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me - John 14:1-2
In April of 2010, while my husband was abroad helping to construct a new Christian broadcast station I lost a baby at four months. In his efforts to come home early, the volcano eruptions in Iceland halted air traffic all over the globe. As his original departure date neared, government issues in Madagascar again delayed his arrival by another two days.
Thankfully during this time my boys and I were in Texas with the support of our family. I had previously lost loved ones to old age, cancer and heart disease, however the loss of our unborn child affected me more deeply than I felt my faith could handle. I
couldn’t understand how or why our little one needed to go home before ever arriving; especially when we were working for God. It was in this grief that my heart experienced its deepest anger. During the weeks awaiting my husband’s return I allowed Satan to feed this anger. Almost undetectable at first, the Deceiver subtlety planted seeds of doubt, fear and hurt. Instead of taking these questions and thoughts before the Lord, I felt justified in turning away from prayer and the solace of God’s word. I didn’t even realize how angry I had grown until my husband’s return and suggestion of prayer together. I had come to the point where I was comfortable with my anger and wasn’t ready to let it go.Over the next months I held fast to 1 John 3:20, “For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.” I openly confessed the sins of my heart and asked God to forgive my resentment. It didn’t work at first. I tried again and again. Over time God’s patience eroded my anger.
But Satan wasn’t done with me yet. Soon after Christmas, our family lost one of our closest friends in a car wreck. More than just a friend, this vibrant mentor was an adopted grandmother to our family who found themselves a long way from our home in West Texas. Cathy’s loss was hard, but finding out that her loss was due to the irresponsible actions of someone else…now that was just too much to handle.
Just like the disciples, with a troubled heart I too have wondered, “Why now, Lord?” (John 13-15). The answer is the same for us as it is for Jesus’ disciples, “Trust in God; trust also in me.” No matter the challenge, tragedy, or blessing; God wants us to trust him. Trusting and believing that God’s plan is bigger than ours in the face of tough times is freeing and healing. He knows our hearts will be troubled, but He also knows the answer to our heart’s greatest need: Trust.
I have had a key chain for many years inscribed with the verse, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding,” found in Proverbs chapter 3. I now more eagerly read verse 8, “It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”
Lord, thank you for loving us even when we doubt and grow angry in our lack of understanding. Give us trusting hearts that see your eternal plan at work in our lives. Your strength and power in taking on our burdens and questions is mighty. We thank you for healing our hearts and refreshing our bones when we grow weak.
Dana Jaworski
Anchorage, Alaska
It is remarkable to me how God sustains us and is faithful even when we doubt or turn away in anger. I wish I could say the same for me...for I was geographically closer than Jeff with the ability to sit with you during your time of suffering and I was wrapped in my own life. I am so thankful for our Lord who never left your side. I love you, sweet and faithful friend.
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