Painful Silence

I have been in a season of prayer that results in lots of painful silence.  I have prayer warriors praying on my behalf and those prayers likewise have resulted in painful silence.  We are calling out to God to change my situation, to give me favor in the right places and to reunite me with family and my home on earth.  Painful silence.  

I cannot help but ask God “why” he is silent and I remain in this situation that is lonely and depressing.  There are moments I get a sense of what I am here for but I do not see things unfold in the way I had sensed.  I pray boldly.  I pray meekly.  I throw myself at God’s mercy.  I pray David’s prayers of lament.  I also give thanks for what he has done.  In the midst of what I hope for, I can see his hand at work in my life.  Having just come through the Easter season, it’s easier to remember what is most important is not what I want but what he has already done.  

As I pray through the painful silence I seek out others who can help remind me that I am not alone on this journey.  I walk the same path as many of my Biblical heroes, people who knew pain, who chose to live in faith and who saw their rewards in this realm and the next.  Thomas Merton is one of those people of faith who has shared his thoughts and his faith as another example to me.  One of his written prayers resonates with me in these days of silence.

My LORD God, I have no idea where I am going.  I do not see the road ahead of me.  I cannot know for certain where it will end.  Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.  But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.  And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.  I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.  And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.  Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.  I will not fear for you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.  - Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”

I do not know if the road I am on is the right road.  I want to hear God’s call and seek his direction over my own but when all I hear is silence, I cannot help but wonder if where I am is where I am supposed to be.  So, I rest in the idea that my desire to please God does please God and he will take me down the path to where I am supposed to be if this isn’t the one.  

More than anything, I want to be God’s instrument.  I want to be used by him to do his will.  Where there is silence, I will continue to hope I am doing what he wants.  And when I hear his call, I want to be ready and willing to fulfill his plan.  The pain of his silence is simply in my desire to know I am where he wants me to be doing what he wants me to do.  I hope I hear his voice soon.  Until then, I trust that my hope to please him does in fact please him.  

Jeff Jones
Decatur, Texas