Let it Breath

My family went on vacation together a couple of weeks ago. We didn’t “plan” anything to do while we were on said vacation, really. Our plan consisted of relaxing, sitting, sleeping, reading, swimming, walking, eating, and watching movies. We did all of these things together--all of six of us. For an entire week.

Usually when you’re on vacation, you’re surrounded by unfamiliar places and people, which means you spend all of your time with the people you do know. That means our only respite from each other was when we went to sleep at night (and even then it wasn’t always a “respite,” since my thirteen-year-old sister occasionally kicks in her sleep).

Many people have asked what I did on my family vacation, and I always relay the list of items mentioned above. The reply is always the same: “So...you didn’t do anything? Didn’t you get sick of just being around each other?” Well, you know what? No, we didn’t “do” anything. But we did have a family conflict one night! I’ve told a couple of people this, just to see how they’d react. The reply to that is always the same, too: “Hmm. Some vacation!”

Going on vacation as a family is hard for some people. That’s why so many families pack their vacation schedules full of stuff to do: trips to the theater, shopping, going to watch sporting events, theme parks, concerts, and so on. Some people even choose to go on vacation with other families so they won’t be stuck all alone with just the members of their own family.

For one thing, going nonstop while you’re on vacation doesn’t sound relaxing to me. For another, I think families do this so they don’t have to interact with each other on an intimate level. Sure, you can go off and do all that stuff and have a blast together. But the last two monumental family “powwows” I’ve been a part of have both been when we were supposed to be enjoying a nice vacation.

When you get off like that by yourselves as a family, things can get really awkward or really awesome. It can be painful to escape like that with no conversation cushions like football practice, little Sally’s parent-teacher conference last week, or the latest church news to keep your relationships afloat. When my family is on vacation, we’re on vacation so we can take a break from talking about those things. But, then...what do you talk about?

As families we need to cross these pain thresholds. Our family “conflict” consisted of some of us calling out others on some things that we need to work on as individuals. Some of the things I had to say tasted pretty bitter, and some of the things I heard did not fall sweetly upon my ears, but they were all necessary things.

The conversation was not a reprimand. It wasn’t detrimental. It was hardly depressing. In fact, when we were done, my loving dad said, “This is the best conversation I’ve had in awhile!” He was so right. That single conversation was more life-giving for me than an entire week on the beach or in the mountains.

We’re afraid of slowing down enough to realize: “Wow. I need to apologize for that,” or, “I need to treat her better where this is concerned,” or, “My relationships need more depth and dimension.”  Discovering that that is what your relationships consist of is scary. But letting them stay that way is scarier.

The traditional Christian family is afflicted, in a sense. We’re afflicted with chronic lukewarmness in the way that we choose to share life together (or the way that we choose not to, for that matter). Romans 5:3-5 says, “And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope does not disappoint, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

In choosing to confront this affliction, whether it’s by sitting down and having a transparent conversation, writing out a letter, or sharing tears together, we are choosing to be good stewards of the blessed web of unconditional love, forgiveness, and servanthood that God so generously provided for us when He created Adam and Eve--the first family. Confronting affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. Who doesn’t want to live a life full of hope alongside family?

God,

Forgive us for treating one of your most brilliant ideas with disrespect sometimes. Teach us how to live obediently in the midst of a family, through the highs and the lows. Give us bold hearts and spirits, that we may conquer our family afflictions with confidence in the knowledge that our love for each other will not be destroyed, because Your love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. We love you and we thank you for giving us families.

Through Jesus,

Amen.

Erin Daugherty, Abilene Christian University

Dads with Soft Hearts

 Tomorrow is Father’s Day.  We typically think about Father’s Day as a day to do something special for dad.  It’s a good tradition.

I was jogging a couple of days ago and got to thinking about Father’s Day and found myself walking down memory lane.  (I’m glad I was running alone!)  Memories came tumbling into my mind and heart like a river out of its banks.  In a word, it was overwhelming. 

As I continued around the park in my partial “out-of-body-experience” my mind darted back and forth between my life and Job’s life.  I would like to think I have enough faith to get through what Job experienced.  But, honestly, I think about the story of Job and I cringe.  It’s not the theology in the book or God’s sovereignty or any of the other big ticket items that travel across the terrain of the Old Testament story that unsettle me.  I cringe at the thought of life…without my wife and children.    

I thought about Father’s Day and honestly, I couldn’t think about it as “our day”, dads.  I was overwhelmed with the thought of how much God has blessed me to be surrounded by a terrific woman and four fantastic kids.  All I could say as I traveled down “memory lane” was “Thank you, Father, for allowing me to be one.  Thank you for putting these people into my life.” 

There have been a lot of great moments.  That said, there have been some moments I would take back and ask for a “do-over”.  Mercy and understanding restored my heart when I needed it most!  As I continued on my run, God’s word came to me from the Gospel of Luke.  It was one of those “sit up and pay attention” moments.  When the angel Gabriel announced that Elizabeth would give birth to a little boy named John who would be the forerunner for the Christ, he gave an interesting description of his life and ministry.  Tucked away in Gabriel’s words are these words:  “And he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God, and he will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children…”  (Luke 1:16-17).  The Message version says, “…he will soften the hearts of parents to children.”  You wouldn’t think a dad’s heart would need softening where his kids are concerned.  But, Gabriel, who stands in the presence of God, told the truth then and now.

As a father and former child I know firsthand what it was like to live in a child's world.  Life looked very different through ten year old eyes than it does through the pair I’ve got now.  Life was simple.  I had very few worries beyond the school house and the city limit sign.  That all changed with the emergence of adulthood.  The world got bigger.  Responsibility jumped out of the dictionary and came to life.  Dad, can you relate to this?  Life has a way of pressing us and squeezing a lot of good things out of us with the result that we get too focused.  What dad hasn’t felt edgy and overwhelmed on occasion?  Life becomes a very crowded experience.  Stuff comes at us relentlessly.  And, we can FEEL it.  I can still hear Gabriel’s words.  Can you?      

Paul said, “Husbands, go all out in love for your wives.  Don't take advantage of them....Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits.” (Colossians 3:19, 21 – The Message)  I’ve read Paul’s words in Colossians many times.  Bet you have, too.  Living them is not really about understanding the teaching of the text.  The text is…well…simple.  As dads, it is about how we manage all the life experiences, pressures, stressors and trials that envelop and challenge the awareness and commitment this text teaches.  Being the kind of husband our wives need and the kind of dad our children need is about managing our own hearts first.  Focus is essential to good leadership. 

God put us at the helm.  We pilot the ship.  It is our calling.  It is our blessing.  And, it is the greatest joy we can experience in this life.  So, how’s your soft side, dad? 

June 19 is designated as Father’s Day.  Our families may fuss over us a little.  But, I want to extend a hearty invitation to all the dads out there.  Launch out into some uncharted waters tomorrow.  Embrace Gabriel’s words.  Share your heart with your family.  Tell’em what they mean to you.  Somewhere in that experience there will be a move of God.     

Father, you have given us everything we need to be the kind of father’s we need to be.  May we look to you for guidance every day.  Quiet our spirits and soothe our hearts as we lead our families in this sojourn called life. May be never lose the softness that is essential to being the kind of men, husbands, fathers and leaders you need us to be….they need us to be.  Thank you for giving us the incredible privilege and blessing of family.  Amen

Randy Daugherty

Stephenville, Texas

It's All We're Promised

Former First Lady Barbara Bush gave a commencement speech at Wellesley College in 1990. Her speech is regarded as one of the top 100 speeches of the 20th century. The graduating class was expecting her to celebrate their achievements and stoke their ambition for future business successes. Toward the end of the speech the First Lady called their attention to a bedrock truth about life. She said:

“At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a child, a friend or a parent.”

Her words are right on! Scripture underscores the importance of doing our best to nurture healthy families. Ephesians 6:4 says that children should be brought up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. A lot of living is packed into that verse! Quality and consistent human interaction is at least assumed in Paul’s words. “Bringing up” just can’t be done any other way. And yet, our culture makes it difficult to maintain the disciplines that produce strong family connections. Jammed schedules. Unending tasks. Exhaustion. Information saturation. Infatuation with cyberspace and television. Endless text messaging. Stressors. Eating on the fly. Makes you tired just thinking about it. Given the break-neck pace at which our culture moves it is no wonder that we find ourselves sharing the same house but fighting to have quality interaction that allows us to nurture and strengthen one another.

A mother and wife recently said, “I feel like we are strangers with the same last name! We’ve gotten to the point that we speak in soundbytes on the fly!” Perhaps you can identify with her. Lots of people can.

Our culture will not suggest that we slow down. Staying connected in our families will depend on our ability to remain aware of our primary needs as individuals and as believers. Carving out time to focus on each other and check each other’s “pulse” is more difficult than it sounds. I’ve heard countless adults say, “We finally reached the point that we had to call time-out. Life was living us instead of us living it! We had to take charge of our pacing and attend to the needs that we knew were staring us in the face every week.” Truer words haven’t been spoken.

It begins with awareness of where we are as a family. How are we doing? What do we need right now? What interactive habits do we need to put in place for our well being?

The world rushes on but we don’t have to rush with it. We can find time to love, care for, pray with, listen to and encourage one another. And, there is no time like the present. It’s all we’re promised.

Randy Daugherty
Stephenville, Texas